


Homestuck: Remixed [bass boosted]

by Opacifica



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dave Lalonde - Freeform, Four Kids Play A Game, Gen, Homestuck Kidswap, Inverted Classpect Kidswap, Jade Egbert - Freeform, June Harley, Nothing More To It Folks, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Rose Strider - Freeform, Some Things May Be Afoot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:22:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23833819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opacifica/pseuds/Opacifica
Summary: Your name is JADE EGBERT. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You think MOVIES are pretty okay, and you love to watch them with your DAD. You like EVERY KIND OF SCIENCE. You have a fondness for WREAKING HAVOC in the CUL-DE-SAC with your partner in crime and best friend, BECQUEREL, and are an aspiring JUNIOR VARSITY VOLLEYBALL PLAYER. You also like to play GAMES sometimes, apparently, when faced with mild-to-moderate PEER PRESSURE.What will you do?
Relationships: Jade Harley & June Egbert, Jade Harley & Rose Lalonde, Rose Lalonde & Dave Strider
Comments: 34
Kudos: 126





	1. A young woman stands in her bedroom.

Your name is JADE EGBERT. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You think MOVIES are pretty okay, and you love to watch them with your DAD. You like EVERY KIND OF SCIENCE. You have a fondness for WREAKING HAVOC in the CUL-DE-SAC with your partner in crime and best friend, BECQUEREL, and are an aspiring JUNIOR VARSITY VOLLEYBALL PLAYER. You also like to play GAMES sometimes, apparently, when faced with mild-to-moderate PEER PRESSURE.  


What will you do?  


==>  


\-- thalesianTechnique [TT]  began pestering gallantGaberlunzie  [GG]  at 16:13 --  


TT: It’s time.  
GG: hmmm. ok, you got me, time for what?  
GG: is it time for a super serious allegory-dense lecture that probably has the word ‘causality’ in it and also makes no sense? because that is my hypothesis. :D  
GG: oh wait! at the end of all the dire warnings you’ll say ‘but other than that, happy birthday, jade’!  
TT: ...  
GG: come on, was i close?  
TT: Time to check your mail. Your copy of the beta has almost certainly arrived, and I would be greatly indebted to you if you would get TG off my back about playing it with him.  
TT: I have a prior commitment this afternoon, and I truly can’t be expected to slake his voracious appetite for partnered electronic entertainment alone. I am only one woman. He is insatiable.  
TT: But other than that, happy birthday, Jade.  
GG: i’ll be honest, i was really hoping for more nonsense!  
TT: I’m afraid I can’t deliver much in that respect at this particular juncture. Though your gift ought to be arriving as well. Have you checked the mail yet today?  
TT: I await your feedback with bated breath.  
GG: awww!!! you didn’t have to do anything, my dad is going stupidly overboard with the festivities, presents included, like always. maybe this go-around i’ll even get some cake, before bec eats all of it! i swear he makes more every year.  
GG: it’s all at least kiiinda stuff that i’m interested in? like little monsters is a fine movie, i guess!  
GG: he tries his best, hahaha. it’s pretty cute. he can be sort of out of touch, but he’s trying! you know, in the dumb but well meaning dad way.  
GG: i’m super excited for your gift, though, obviously!!!  
TT: Perhaps you ought to retrieve it, and the rest, sooner rather than later. It would be a shame if your eldritch horror of a family dog messily devoured the beta along with your birthday confectionary.  
GG: oh shit you’re right! bec has been acting really weird lately, i would put nothing past him!  
TT: Do message TG once you’ve secured the beta.  
TT: He frets so, when left unattended.  
GG: got it! thanks again, good luck with whatever cryptic bullshit you’re doing! :B  
TT: Luck is unnecessary for the adequately prepared.  
TT: But thank you, Jade. Really, happy birthday.  


==>  


\-- tycheanGuile  [TG]  began pestering gallantGaberlunzie  [GG]  at 16:24 --  


TG: well?  
TG: dont leave me hanging jade  
TG: too late the situation over here is dire as shit im dangling from a fuckin thread and my sweaty little palms are getting sore  
TG: i wont be held responsible if i die of anticipation and TT goes john wick over my limp but beguiling boycorpse  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jesus fucking christ i know youre leaving me on read dont ask me how i know but i can tell  
TG: youve secretly hated my guts this entire time and want me dead  
TG: youre knee deep in a treacherous swamp of birthday cake  
TG: youre too busy practicing kissing on my dope present and pretending its me  
TG: im flattered for the record but my mom says no girls till high school sorry  
TG: parental mandate to be a huge homo until i graduate you gotta understand i take this shit seriously its nothing personal  
GG: oh my god can you shut up! it’s been thirty seconds! sheesh! i’m just trying to get my stupid copy of the beta back from my dad.  
TG: knew it  
TG: so are we on or are we on  
GG: its so on!!! i just have to deal with bec and his doggy antics on top of all the dadly bullshit happening over here.  
TG: yeah its kind of hard to play the sickest release of the year from the inside of a fucking monster dog so uh  
TG: watch out for that i guess  
GG: bec would never eat me! i’m pretty sure!  
GG: high seventies percent-wise hehehe. he never took more than a nibble of grandma.  
TG: i believe he wouldnt do it on purpose ok  
TG: but all im saying is dont stand too near the food bowl and try to look inedible if you can  
TG: and tell TT to message me back she isnt responding but she definitely just subtagged me on her shitty blog and this means war  
TG: why are my friends so universally insufferable just a question  
TG: except you obviously youre great and id never disparage a lady on her birthday  
TG: it is the old law  
GG: will do!!!  
GG: and she said shes doing something this afternoon!  
GG: a prior engagement. :P  
TG: oh thats  
TG: not usually a good thing  
TG: let me know when you get the beta ok ill be here  
TG: just dont get vored by your fucking wolfbeast and get back to me asap ok?  
TG: if it takes longer than an hour im having my mom call your dad  
TG: and trust me  
TG: no one wants a repeat of the last time i pulled out that trump card  


\-- tycheanGuile  [TG] ceased pestering gallantGaberlunzie  [GG]  at 16:36 --  


==>  


\-- gaysomeTelos [GT]  began pestering gallantGaberlunzie  [GG] at 16:34 --  


GT: happy birthday jade!  
GG: help!!! i need urgent advice!  
GG: in theory, how would you outsmart a very big, very enthusiastic, surprisingly unhappy dog before he crushed a copy of SBURB beta between his slavering jaws?  
GG: time is a factor!!! D:  
GT: hahaha, so TG got a hold of you too, i guess!  
GT: bec’s pretty food motivated, right?  
GT: distract him!  
GG: bec is always stealing cake...  
GG: my dad is so weird about his box-mix confectionaries, though. i don’t want him to think i don’t appreciate how hard he worked on them!  
GT: lol. whose birthday is it, huh?  
GT: it’s a free country! go nuts, i am giving you written permission to go hog fucking wild on any cake in sight.  
GT: your dad can call my grandpa and lodge a formal complaint if he has a problem with it!  
GT: ...he probably won’t say much, but it’ll redirect the intensity of the dad disappointment i guess. don’t say i never did anything for you!  


==>  


GG: phew! that was too close for comfort.  
GT: arms still attached?  
GG: yeah, i’ve just never seen him like this before! i wonder whats stressing him out?  
GT: call it a win then. :p  
GT: you’re welcome!  
GG: ughhh, all these shenanigans are giving me indigestion, and i still haven’t even had any cake for my actual self!  
GT: that is literally the most tragic thing i’ve ever heard. i wish i’d thought to send you a condolences card instead of a dumb useless birthday one, since your life sucks so bad!  
GG: i don’t have your talent for escapades! i’m no mistress of misadventure. i have algebra homework to be doing!  
GT: now that’s actually sad.  
GG: i know... i don’t have time for this dumb beta thing, honestly! video games are fine i guess, but none of this is really my thing. :/  
GT: do you want me to tell TG to fuck off for you?  
GT: because i will do that. i will tell him to fuck off so hard that his grand children will hear it and summarily also stop bugging you about video games, like in the future.  
GG: nooo!  
GG: hehe. maybe i will take you up on that some time actually.  
GG: but not this time. he thinks it’s really important! and sometimes you have to admit, he does... know stuff.  
GT: god, yeah. it’s uncanny.  
GT: the sheer idea of him knowing stuff is like, huh? how? what? _him_? but it sure is a thing that happens some what regularly with basically no natural explanation!  
GG: and besides, it’ll be cool to do something together!  
GG: this is obviously important to TT, too, even though she’s being weird about it. like, what else is new, though?  
GG: i’m just being a huge whiny baby about my homework. this will be fun!  
GT: am i allowed to agree with that on your birthday?  
GG: hey!!!  
GT: is that a no?  
GG: i hope this is the sort of game where i can kick your ass. i haven’t played volleyball for three years for nothing!  
GT: oh no. please do not make a pun out of that.  
GG: get ready to get SERVED!!! >:D  


\-- gaysomeTelos [GT] blocked gallantGaberlunzie  [GG] at 16:56 --  


==>  


\-- thalesianTechnique  [TT] began pestering gallantGaberlunzie  [GG] at 16:52 --  


TT: TG is apoplectic over some comment you made.  
TT: I would congratulate you for the feat, were said paroxysms of concern not being directed most inconveniently towards myself.  
TT: I am not in a position to handle his theatrics at the moment.  
GG: oops, sorry!  
GG: i’ll talk to him. :B  
TT: Please do. If you have the beta in hand, I would recommend making use of it as a potent mechanism for distraction.  
TT: I’ll be in touch.  


\-- thalesianTechnique [TT] ceased pestering gallantGaberlunzie [GG] at 16:58 --  


==>  


\-- gallantGaberlunzie  [GG] began pestering tycheanGuile  [TG]  at 16:58 --  


GG: i’m in! ready to go.  
GG: it wasn’t easy. also, bec is kind of throwing himself at my door right now? so let’s get this show on the road!  
GG: what do i do with the beta?  
TG: youve got the client version running right  
TG: ok great looks good  
TG: ive got the corresponding application running which lets me host you in the game like a server  
GG: :D  
GG: sounds good to me! does that mean we can play now?  
TG: sort of  
TG: ive been reading through a shitton of walkthroughs to keep myself from clipping through the fucking ceiling with pure impotent anxiety because you know thats the kind of shit i do  
GG: ...is that cheating?  
TG: nah totally ethical  
TG: ethical is my middle name  
TG: first line of my take on the great american novel: call me ethical  
TG: but legit i know youre not super into the whole gaming thing which is chill i dont think that should be a problem im always down to explain stuff  
TG: youll have all of us to walk you through it too not just me thank fuck  
TG: but in general the background to this stuff is like  
TG: half the fun is logging onto the forums and shooting the shit with everyone else trying to get into the game  
TG: im working on one myself  
TG: sort of  
TG: a guide  
TG: i mean i will be working on it once we actually start doing shit lol  
TG: again because without some kind of auxiliary project right now i will literally evaporate into a gaseous state of pure unfettered angst  
GG: not to hurry this along or anything, because this is a great riff you have going, but, uh, my door is splintering?  
TG: shit  
TG: right  
TG: my bad  
TG: here we go  
TG: slam that fuckin enter key lets get this party started  
GG: :(  
GG: do you enjoy being like this?  
TG: just press the button  


==>  



	2. A young man stands in his bedroom.

Jade: Pester TG.  


\-- gallantGaberlunzie  [GG] began pestering tycheanGuile  [TG]  at 17:32 --  


GG: what the fuck ARE those things???  
TG: were flying blind on a rocket cycle rn so far as the walkthroughs are concerned  
TG: but im pretty sure theyre imps  
TG: based on the lil floaty tags designating them as imps  
GG: oh good, you’re back.  
GG: but for fuck’s sake, it was a rhetorical question!!! i can read!  
TG: wait what rhetoric was that advancing  
TG: what was that supposed to get me to do other than explain imps to you  
TG: were you just complaining aloud thats not a rhetorical device at all  
TG: words have meanings  
GG: NO THEY DON’T!!! NOT INHERENTLY!!! NOTHING DOES!!! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE THIS ARGUMENT WITH YOU RIGHT NOW BUT I WILL KICK YOUR BUTT AT IT LATER!!!  
TG: aw sounds good i look forward to it <3  
TG: anyway you should probably direct some of those murdervibes to the imps swarming your house if youve got anything left in the tank  
GG: uhhh.  
GG: do i have to?  
TG: yeah probably  
TG: looks like shits about to get real aggrieve-y in here real fast  
GG: uh oh.  
TG: dude its fine just equip your  
TG: wait  
TG: have you not chosen a strife specibus  
TG: omfg dont tell TT that shed lose her shit  
TG: yknow in the weird  
TG: clearly seethingly upset but still typing like shes writing an college admissions essay with a fuckin thesaurus open on her desk  
TG: way  
GG: i knowww, i know, i just didnt even think about it!  
GG: i dont regularly start fights with anyone if i can avoid it, i’ve never missed having the aggrieve option in strifes. plus its not like i have a ton of weapons in my house!!!  
GG: that would be a seriously abnormal and disturbing way to live!  
TG: dont have to tell me twice  
TG: seriously though i dont know whats going to happen once the imps close in but dollars to donuts its not going to be pretty  
TG: find something  
TG: cmon jade wheres my favorite resourceful lil suburbanite show me what you got  
TG: improvise  
GG: ok, how about a pen? that’s even mightier than the sword, right? :B  
TG: if i have to watch you die i will be seriously put out about it fyi  
GG: just a joke! gosh, there’s no harm in lightening the mood a little is there?  
TG: jade  
TG: fucking hell  
TG: alright lets workshop this bitch lets get some brains storming  
TG: im looking through your room  
TG: very tidy a+ im impressed  
TG: but not a lot of bludgeoning instruments laying around thats something to work on in a hypothetical future where you survive this  
TG: ok youve got a hammer thats probably your best bet  
GG: no way! my dad said not to play around with that without him! he was getting ready to help me hang up my new poster later. :(  
GG: i hope he’s ok.  
GG: there has to be something else!  
GG: where the hell did you put my magic chest?  
TG: oh right that thing  
TG: uhhhhhh  
TG: hold on one sec  
TG: here ya go one magic chest lightly seasoned with a few minutes on the roof  
GG: my stunt sword! this should definitely work for now. i can do bladekind. i guess basically the only alterative was like my nalgene bottle or the aforementioned pen, yikes.  
TG: go for it youve got like five seconds before its imp city in there  
GG: hehehe not for long, i’ll be ready for them.  
GG: fuck off imps!  
GG: my city now! ;B  


==>  


TG: wow shit you are really  
TG: going to town on those little fuckers  
GG: duh, i'm an athlete! that is a whole thing that i regularly mention. :p  
GG: you didn't think i was messing with you all those times i dipped out for volleyball practice, did you???  
TG: i just thought you might uh  
TG: need help  
GG: nope! hopefully it is pretty clear that i have this situation under control. i was worried that i would have to press buttons but this is actually pretty fun!  
GG: you can join in if you want of course, i don’t mean to hog them. i can leave you one or two to smush or whatever with your serverdude powers!  
TG: nah its cool keep it up  
TG: im just gonna go check on something then if youre not like  
TG: dying or anything  
GG: definitely not dying!  
GG: go ahead and do whatever you need. i will just be here, raking in the grist! we can do more buildy stuff later.  
TG: sweet  
TG: take care jade ill be back asap just in case  
TG: keep uh  
TG: beating those freaky dudes to death with a prop sword and being a badass i guess  
GG: awww. thanks, and no problem!  
GG: i definitely will keep being a badass! good luck with your nonspecific thing! try not to get hit by any meteors if you can avoid it. :)  
TG: thats the plan  


==>  


A young man stands in his bedroom. He is not experiencing any connectivity problems, at least, for now, but the popular video game he is currently playing with a young lady is posing something of a distraction to several other pressing concerns. Yes, this young man has an awful lot on his plate, including an entire school of metaphorical fish in various preliminary states of being fried! This young man named...  


Named...  


It's on the tip of your tongue. What was the name of this young man again?  


Oh, right.  


==>  


Your name is DAVE LALONDE. Oh boy, do you ever have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for TRENDY ATHLEISURE APPAREL and its display on various MEDIA PLATFORMS. You enjoy photography and FURTIVELY CONCEAL this passion on an easily stumbled-upon BLOG. You have a fondness for ANYTHING YOU CAN DISSECT, literally or literarily, which is most things, and sometimes dabble in THE MORBID AND OBSCURE. Your room is FILLED WITH TROPHIES that result from these predilections. Of late, you have developed a somewhat inexplicable fixation on the need to play ONE SPECIFIC VIDEO GAME with your friends.  


What will you do?  


==>  


DAVE: Go explore the house.  


You don’t have time for this! Besides, you know your house inside and out already. You’ve only lived here for _thirteen years_. No, you need to check on your MOM again. TT hasn't messaged you since dropping off the map, but you didn’t expect her to. Like an unfamiliar housecat, you kind of just have to wait for her to come to you on her own terms. Playing it cool, aloof, unbothered in all respects, as is your specialty. You have refined this approach through years of trial and error.  


Of more immediate concern, your mother has unfortunately lapsed into one of her infrequent MOODS. Usually, you would forestall her retreat to her room by soliciting her assistance with a zany INSTAGRAM LIVE CHALLENGE or perhaps the presentation of a newly-completed ARTICULATED CAT SKELETON, either of which would delight her, distracting her from the source of her existential ennui for as long as you could hold her attention.  


Lately, you have been occupied by the task of getting your friends onboard with this game. And she has been more listless and prone to shouting matches with her cell phone than usual. When last you made the journey to her room, she was engaged in another one of her high-volume, vitriolic conversations, if they can be called that. Whoever she is talking to really has a talent for upsetting her.  


The yelling seems to have stopped. You should be clear to go in.  


==>  


Dave: Be pestered by GT.  


\-- gaysomeTelos [GT]  began pestering tycheanGuile  [TG] at 17:08 --  


GT: hey! just saw your last post.  
GT: that is easily the most disturbing thing i have ever seen in my life. it is not even close.  
TG: what you got a problem with longcat  
GT: hahaha oh my god.  
GT: a ‘problem’ would be the wrong word dude. how did you even get ahold of that many vertebrae? i’m so jealous!!!  
TG: a lot of our cats have died lately  
TG: it actually kind of sucks  
TG: but i figure longcat is a suitable memorial and my mom was cool with it since its hella short notice for a legit funeral soooooo  
TG: longcat  
GT: your mom is so fucking cool. i dig all the legs. more animals should have more legs!  
GT: ooh. idea. hehe.  
TG: ill be all ears for it as soon as im done with this one thing ok?  
GT: cool whatever! message me when you’re done messing with jade. i have to hop on this concept before i lose it.  
TG: i better be disgusted and amazed by whatever you come up with  
GT: have i literally ever let you down?  
GT: don’t answer that question. :p  


==>  


Hold up.  


==>  


A young lady sits sedately before a desktop computer. It does not appear to be her own. What is she doing with... Kali Linux? That definitely isn’t her brows - oh shit. Oh fuck. She saw you. Quick, guess her name. You _do_ know her name, don’t you?  


==>  


Your name is ROSE STRIDER. You are UNINTERESTED in elaborating further. Come back with a warrant.  


==>  


\-- tycheanGuile  [TG]  began pestering thalesianTechnique [TT]  at 16:30 --  


TG: i just want you to know i love you ok  
TG: please stay alive rose  
TG: dont do anything stupid you dont have anything to prove ill say it a billion fucking times  
TG: please  
TG: i cant do any of this shit without you  
TT: I know.  


\-- thalesianTechnique  [TT] ceased pestering tycheanGuile  [TG]  at 16:32 --  


==>


	3. A silly young lady stands before a platform.

A silly young lady stands before a platform on which a rabbit hops in placid delight, pink nose twitching innocently. She is most likely getting up to some sort of silly antics, as such silly young ladies are often known to do. She may have a silly name too. Or maybe not. It is hard to say for sure without asking her.  


It looks like she’s about to press a conspicuously located red button! A piece of duct tape beneath it reads... duplinator? It’s a little hard to tell, her handwriting is pretty messy.  


==>  


>????: Activate the duplinator.  


Oh, the humanity!  


==>  


No creature was ever meant to have so many legs! What horrors hath this young lady carelessly wrought?  


Is it... is it _alive_? Who would do such a thing?  


==>  


Your name is JUNE HARLEY. Your INTERESTS include the SUBVERSION OF PURPORTEDLY IMMUTABLE BIOLOGICAL PRINCIPLES, OBLIGATORY SURVIVALISM, and SLEIGHT OF HAND. You are PRETTY GOOD at all of those things! In your copious free time, you also enjoy watching lots and lots of MOVIES OF VARYING QUALITY. Luckily, your grandpa helps you keep track of which ones are UTTER GARBAGE by liking them. You are a bit of a closet SITCOM BUFF, but you gather that this is kind of an EMBARRASSING interest, so you typically keep it to yourself.  


What will you do?  


  


>June: Weep at the tragedy of your creation as it pleads wordlessly for death.  


Ha ha, no way! First you have to take a picture for Dave. He is going to flip the fuck out about this! It is so adorable how his bone art insta bio claims that he is ‘a criminal in the sight of god’. For what, cleaning skeletons and painting them with glitter nail polish? Get good, Dave!  


You’ll show him.  


You’ll show them all!  


  


>June: Start by showing Dave.  


Yeah, that’s a good call. For all you get on his case about... everything, because he kind of deserves it, he is also the only person you know who truly shares your enthusiasm for the grotesque-but-awesome, and you treasure his friendship. Yuck, hopefully he never figures out how you feel! Gross.  


==>  


\-- gaysomeTelos [GT] started pestering tycheanGuile [TG] at 17:39 --  


GT: all right this turned out to be a GREAT idea!  
GT: i can’t believe i have only been using this machine for food. what a waste of a sick piece of gadgetry.  
GT: it totally works on alive stuff too!  
GT: like dead stuff is cool and all no offense. but there are some real limitations to that medium and i am not about those at all.  
GT: wow i wish i could live trap one of the weird monsters on my island. then i could make something REALLY cool. :/  
GT: as is, they do make good eating though!  
GT: any way i know you’re busy but you deserve to be the first to meet my new project! her name is tawny.  
GT: hehehe.  
GT: be afraid. be very afraid!  
gaysomeTelos [GT] sent tycheanGuile [TG] file "https://media.giphy.com/media/S6kmht47X3oalTCGHn/giphy.gif"  
GT: i should work on the textualization of my maniacal chuckle. that definitely left something to be desired. oh well.  
GT: also she is kind of cute? i don’t know if i can eat her in good conscience. she can’t walk but she is wriggling like a champ.  
GT: i think she likes the legs?  
GT: oh no, the last thing I need is another pet! gah, this is already such a time sink.  
GT: but i love her.  
GT: this is what happens when you all leave me to my own devices for too long!  
GT: i make new friends!  
GT: literally.  
GT: this has definitely been a huge success. i would say i am one step closer to making you a dinosaur someday soon!  
GT: a little one though. so i can sendificate him to you. oh wait or an egg, that is so much smarter! i bet your cats will love the company.  
GT: huh, usually all it takes to get you to reply is a dinosaur mention.  
GT: i am serious about that, for the record. it is only a matter of time. what good is a friendship if it doesn’t inspire you to reach new heights of biology defying self conceit? :p  
GT: but actually let me know what’s up when you get the chance, ok?  
GT: no one is messaging me back right now and that is never a good sign.  
GT: leave it to you and jade to wind up in some kind of mortal peril while playing an actual video game. lol.  
GT: let me know when you need someone to bail you out! i’ll be here.  


>June: Exit laboratory.  


You TRANSPORTALIZE out of the repurposed laboratory of your LARGELY ABANDONED HOME. Grandpa once assured you that he would never be upset with you for doing what you need to survive! Most of the time, in practice, you interpret this as a justification for FUCKING AROUND WITH HIS STUFF.  


Someday, you are pretty sure he will come back from wherever he jetted off to. He always did before.  


Either way, he left an INCREDIBLY COOL PUPPET VERSION OF HIMSELF in the grand foyer, so that was chill of him. Sometimes letters from him appear in its felted fist! Or, well, from _some_ version of him. Might as well check to see if he’s got anything new for you while you’re here!  


  


>June: Inspect massive puppet fist.  


The craftsmanship is impeccable! Unfortunately, the puppet fist is empty. You let your hand linger over its soft, stitching-defined knuckles. Perhaps a touch wistfully. Who can say? Your grandpa is pretty great, and you miss him a lot, though the near-constant correspondence really takes the edge off. Except when there isn’t any.  


Why not head up to your room? You should really figure out Tawny’s living situation. You wouldn’t want her to feel unwelcome, or any more like a freak of un-nature than she already is!  


  


>June: Ascend.  


You enter your bedroom. On this side of the room you are immediately confronted with numerous artifacts highlighting your various INTERESTS. But you already know what those are, don’t you? You are a BIOLOGIST, and a whole lot of other kinds of -OLOGIST, sometimes more of a CHEF, depending on the day and your mood and how hungry you are!  


Tawny is far from your only BIZARRE EXPERIMENT on display, though she is the only CURRENTLY ALIVE one. Hey, well done! Her new companions are mostly STUFFED, whether PLUSHWAYS or TAXIDERMYWAYS. That’s not to say the cool things you make don’t sometimes survive. They just tend to be more escape-inclined than your latest creation!  


Aw, she’s really getting the hang of those little legs.  


  


>June: Put together a habitat for your leggy friend.  


You have materials for an enclosure, from the last time, as well as a massive stack of papers strewn across your desk, a number of rifles similarly strewn across your Squiddle-themed bedspread, and piles upon piles of animals that could be described as ‘stuffed’, for varying reasons. Additionally, because you like to tinker up in your room, there are plenty of instrument components that a young bunny has no business chewing on!  


  


>June: Shred assorted papers to make bedding.  


NO WAY!!! Those are treasured artifacts of correspondence between yourself and your grandpa! What are you, nuts? You will just have to sacrifice a few humanimals for the purpose instead.  


They have always kind of creeped you out, anyway. What kind of kid is into this stuff? Your grandpa did his best, but sometimes he forgot, seemingly, what you actually liked and also who you were.  


You don’t mind, though. That’s actually one of the best things about him!  


  


>June: Examine treasured artifacts of correspondence.  


Dear June,  


Happy birthday! I cant say i know exactly which one this is on your end of the whosiewhatsit but suffice to say i hope you are having a good one and richly enjoying the loot no doubt gleaned from your vast assortment of friends and family.  


Im sorry for copping out and sending this so soon. I know you were quite clear on making use of this particular means to contact you being a bit of a namby pamby move. You know missing you enough to cave and use your weird multidimesional whatever the spacey fuck this is to get in touch. But see it is your birthday and mine as well and i think i am entitled to be a bit of a baby about it just this once. I miss you very much. I watched all the jurassic park movies AND the jurassic world remakes even though you would have soundly chastised my taste were you still around and well. Alive.  


Side note i sure hope that doesnt break some dumb causality thing but usually paradoxes dont happen even if they might so if this gets to you i guess that means its fine! Isnt it great how stuff just kind of works out? Except for you being dead i mean. That has been a little bit of a bummer. But dont worry apart from a no doubt marked deterioration in cinema consumption quality i am actually holding up quite fine! Wherever you are or whenever or whatever the shit i hope you are doing well there too. It is not really the same around here without a grandma puttering about to clean the carcasses and come up with cool lab stuff to try for fun and levity purposes but i am doing my best to follow in your footsteps worry not! Forgive me if i do not actually wear your boots for the purpose just yet. They are still a little big on me.  


So... have you watched anything good lately? Pulled any spectacular japes in relation to the natural order? If i am going to pansy out and admit i really do miss you no matter how assiduously you prepared me for this eventuality i might as well do it thoroughly. I mean if you are willing to keep in touch that would really be awfully nice. We can talk about anything you like! I really miss talking. This morning i watched a movie called ‘without warning’. It was pretty good but i think the premise is a little unrealistic though that just kind of makes it more impressive that they pulled it off and made the stakes seem appropriately high! I mean meteors? Really?  


I have been on a bit of a disaster movie kick lately. Hopefully getting back in touch with you will cheer me up a bit though. Maybe even enough to watch friends again. Right now it just makes me kind of sad and the laugh track does not help as much as you said it would.  


Oh well perhaps you wont even get this! If that is the case dont worry. I am not some helpless little baby on this rock and dont think i dont say a little thank you to your skull on my mantle for that every single day! You were the best grandma i ever could have asked for and i hope people are appreciating you adequately in your current time or place. If not they are stupid and you dont need them.  


All the best to you,  
Jake  


==>  


jake!  


hahaha, you hit the nail on the head. that is totally my name and who i am. you got me there! if you are looking for your grandma except like eight years old and not dead, well done, because that is me. june or whatever, that’s my name, don’t wear it out! :p  


The rest of the draft is scratched out. You kept every single one of them, though, just in case. At least once a week for a whole lot of years you have exchanged letters with your grandpa, who you gather is basically your age, and roasted each other mercilessly for liking dumb shit. Sometimes he forgets, or you lose track of time, but you always get back to it eventually!  


The stack of letters is just a good way of remembering, sometimes, when you get down like you sometimes do for no good reason. It can get lonely on this island, even with the knowledge that you won’t be here forever.  


You _won’t_. Your grandpa said so, before he left! And you believe him. All you have to do is live long enough, and it will happen. _You believe him_. You really, really do.  


  


>June: Pat Tawny and wait for something to happen.  


She’s soft and warm, and she flops to the approximate location of what would be her side if she had a normal number of legs. Animals usually like you a lot, even though you don’t make a habit of earning their trust. No accounting for taste!  


Hold on, it looks like someone’s been trying to pester you! You totally missed that.  


  


>June: Answer.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gaysomeTelos [GT] at 13:04  


CG: HI AGAIN, IDIOT.  


==>  



	4. June: Ignore further attempts at trolling.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  gaysomeTelos [GT] at 13:04

CG: HI AGAIN, IDIOT.  
GT: hey! good to hear from you ... again ... i guess. :B  
GT: if i wasn’t tragically aware that my bland ass friends are too low in prankster’s gambit to jape their way out of a paper bag, i would think some one was fucking with me right now!  
GT: who are you?  
CG: DO YOU BLOCK SO MANY PEOPLE THAT YOU LOSE TRACK? OR ARE YOU JUST TOO STUPID TO REGULARLY INHALE WITHOUT A REMINDER TATTOOED INSIDE OF YOUR MEMBRANOUS OCULAR COVERINGS.  
GT: oops! i have been known to get a little feisty with that particular chat function. no hard feelings i hope! sorry, i guess you were not that memorable?  
CG: WHAT. NO. FUCK YOU.  
GT: my block button finger is getting itchy. maybe it will come back to me? i have a feeling you are going to remind me why i apparently did it last time actually.  
CG: LIKE THE VAPID, DROOLING MORON I EVIDENTLY AM, I WAS PLANNING ON GIVING YOU A LAST CHANCE TO AVERT THE END OF THE WORLD.  
CG: ...  
CG: DID YOU CHANGE YOUR TEXT COLOR? THIS IS KIND OF MAJORLY FUCKING ME UP.  
GT: ha ha. nope!  
CG: WELL, THANK FUCK THIS WAS ALREADY AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY. NO CHANCE OF BEING DISAPPOINTED BY A SPECIES THAT ALREADY DEALS IN BULGE-WRENCHING CATASTROPHE AS A PERVERSE ALIEN CURRENCY.  
GT: you are pretty funny, i will give you that!  
GT: go on, i want to hear more things about my species! are you an alien?  
GT: follow up question. unrelated. how many legs do you have?  
GT: i am kind of on a legs kick.  
GT: ohhhh, ‘legs kick’, that’s fucking hysterical. i am a genius.  
CG: I AM NOT GOING TO DIGNIFY THAT WITH A RESPONSE. SOMEHOW THE BLUE TEXT IS WORSE THAN THE EYESTRAIN INDUCING GREEN PURELY BECAUSE OF THE WORDS IT IS CONVEYING.  
GT: huh. you probably got jade by mistake? we type sort of the same.  
CG: I DON’T FUCKING MAKE MISTAKES. UNLIKE YOU, AND ALL OF YOUR HAPLESS, IDIOT, PIECE OF SHIT FRIENDS. HOW DO YOU WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND NOT BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT, OTHER THAN THE OBVIOUS DIFFICULTIES WITH COORDINATED MOTOR FUNCTION PREVENTING YOUR USE OF THE TRIGGER?  
GT: answer my legs question first! lol.  
CG: TWO. TWO ACHINGLY NORMAL WALKSTRUTS AFFIXED BILATERALLY TO MY COXAL JOINTS, YOU FREAK.  
GT: boring!

gaysomeTelos [GT] blocked  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  at 15:43

June: Ignore further attempts at trolling.

Wow, that could sure get old fast! You’ve only had the dude blocked for a few seconds before he’s back up in your business. At the moment, you are kind of not interested in whatever dumb antics a fictional alien is getting up to. The insult comedy, especially, is not really your deal. Only your friends are allowed to say that stuff to you, and that’s just so they can feel a little better about the even worse stuff you say to them!

You can ask Jade about, like, _super_ blocking this douche bag later. She would probably know how to do that sort of thing. Regrettably, despite having near-infinite free time to figure it, you still sort of suck at programming.

>Dave: Meddle with Mom.

Can it even be considered meddling? You’re just making sure she’s alright. There are plenty of things she has trouble with, despite being legitimately the BEST MOM, and possibly just the BEST PARENT, ever, period? Jade’s dad sounds kind of overbearing, if you’re being honest.

When you were eight, you made her a really sicknasty POWERPOINT explaining why you wanted her to stop drinking. You have a way of helping people see the light on these sorts of things, or you really like to think you do. She keeps stills from the presentation on her walls, in ornate frames, which is a little embarrassing, since you’re way better at drawing cats, now. You hope it at least helps.

She’s a complicated lady, your mom. But you wouldn’t have her any other way.

Dave: Regard shelves lined with Reborn Dolls on the way to Mom’s room.

Admittedly, to the untrained eye, these might look a little weird. Every so often, when your mom is really having a rough go of it, you’ll cheer her up by ordering an additional REBORN DOLL for her collection, in your own image. She likes to dress them up in the heaps of baby clothes she bought before she had you.

She was not expecting a boy. Not everyone possesses your profound aptitude for prognostication.

Dave: Enter.

Yikes. That gun is almost as long as she is tall.

Dave: Inspect Mom for signs of dementia.

Setting the rifle aside, she ignores your preliminary diagnostic questions and ushers you into a comforting embrace. For an unusually long time, she holds you very, very close and strokes your hair.

She asks if you and your friends are playing the game, yet. You’re pretty sure she already knows the answer to that question, or else this is another symptom of early onset dementia, which is not to be ruled out, because jesus fuck, that sure is a big gun that you have never seen before today.

She assures you that she is not suffering from any degenerative mental illness, though she digresses to ponder whether she would know it if she was. She digresses again to tell you that she is very, very proud of you, and she loves you so, so, so, infinity much. She wishes to emphasize the overwhelming muchness.

Reassuringly enough, this is how most of your conversations go. You REALLY love your mom.

==>

You ask her if there’s anything you can do for her, possibly including putting away that hugeass rifle, is that thing loaded?

She tells you to look out for your friends, and to stay alive. In general, you think she gives pretty good advice, though this is a little on the nose.

The lights flicker, and she notes that you don’t have much time. She offers you some kind of GREEN CUBIC HUB, which should maintain your connection with your little friend Jade. How is Jade doing, by the way? Did she make the junior varsity team? Oh, never mind. Just have fun, Davey, take good care of them. They're going to need it.

Dave: Hug your Mom one last time.

That’s a weirdly melodramatic way to word that, isn’t it? You hug your mom fairly frequently. There is nothing special about this particular parting iteration of the gesture, except for the fact that you are interrupting her as she reaches for the gun again.

You have kind of a bad feeling about that gun.

==>

Jade: Contemplate your obscene quantity of grist.

You are absolutely killing it at this game! SBURB is awesome. None of these imps pose the slightest match to your deadly acumen with your newly assigned bladed weapon. Admittedly, the stunt sword is a bit unwieldy for your murderpurposes. You hope you’ll be able to come up with some sort of sick new weapon once someone explains how that function of the game works.

It is probably pretty obvious that you are not experienced at this sort of thing. But you have always been pretty good at making stuff up as you go. Your dad says you are A BURGEONING MASTER OF IMPROVISATIONAL COMEDY. That would be really sweet of him, if he didn’t only bring it up whenever you mention getting serious about volleyball and the robotics club, bluh.

Hmm. The imps are not coming as thick and fast as they were before.

>Jade: Take advantage of the reprieve to alchemize a better sword.

You poke around with the alchemizer for a bit, referring back to explanatory logs with Dave to figure out the whole punchcard dealie. Unfortunately, while you figure out the actual schema by which the thing operates pretty quickly, you are no expert at matters of the blade.

What would actually be a better one? By what criteria is a ‘good sword’ defined? Ohhh, this is a _great_ excuse to bug Rose.

==>

Jade: Pester Rose.

\-- gallantGaberlunzie [GG]  began pestering thalesianTechnique  [TT]  at 17:39 --  


GG: hey there!  
GG: sorry to bother you, i know you’re busy with a bunch of stuff this afternoon or... gosh, is it evening already? :B  
GG: hahaha. it’s pretty easy to lose track of time when you’re playing a cool videogame.  
GG: sooo. i was thinking. i need a new sword, and i don’t really know how to explain the mechanics of this game, but i was thinking about swords in general, and your name sort of popped up in my head!  
GG: could i run some sword ideas by you before i blow my whole stash of in-game currency... it’s called grist... on something dumb?  
GG: also, i’m bladekind now! we are strife twins! :D  
GG: i hope you join up with us in here soon. legitimately i think you are going to love it. it is just hacking stuff up mostly! your favorite!  
GG: better get in on this quick. i am stabbing stuff like you wouldn’t believe. at this rate we might just run out of enemies to slaughter before you make it into the game! i promise i am not trying to keep them all to myself.  
GG: don’t worry if you’re busy, i thought you might still be doing whatever thing you are doing. it’s not super urgent.  
GG: if i make some super stupid swords i bet we can laugh about them later.  
GG: i’ll check in later, it’s no problem!!!

  
>Jade: Stare glumly at ‘offline’ indication for thalesianTechnique.

You’re used to more or less this exact scenario, with fewer conglomerated weapons scattered around your room and less wacky videogame logic to deal with. This sort of disappearing act is hardly out of the ordinary for Rose. Sometimes familial obligations and associated circumstances prevent her from accessing her laptop, she says. It can’t be helped.

Her father sounds pretty strict, from the little she says about him, so you figure he is limiting her screen time or something? You know how dads can be.

When you can, you mail her books so that she will have something to do when she is grounded from electronics or her wifi is out or whatever. It is technically not ‘shop’-lifting if it is from the library! And she needs them more than anyone in your dumb city. It is just plain cruel to keep a child off the internet.

  
>Jade: Consider Dave’s instructions.

Well, without anything else to do, might as well just take your pile of varyingly fucked-up swords and make sure you’re fulfilling the random ‘tenets of conditionality’ he left you with.

The most important, he said, was that you keep your kernelsprite thingy from getting prototyped (what?) with ANYTHING until he said otherwise. So no touching it, keeping it shoved in your room with you and away from anything ‘especially doomed or dead yknow’ that might attract it. This has proved way more difficult than you anticipated, since Bec just will not stop trying to get at the thing!

For now, the onslaught of ogres seems to be distracting him, though that means you can’t get at the best grist, drat.

  
Jade: Pester June.

\-- gallantGaberlunzie [GG]  began pestering gaysomeTelos  [GT]  at 17:57 --  


GG: heyyy. :(  
GT: oh no, that’s a sad heyyy! what’s wrong? did you lose the video game already?  
GG: no, actually it’s going really well! i hope you’re planning to get in on this at some point. i have sort of run out of enemies, though.  
GG: starting to think my huge dogbeast best friend is sort of a gamebreaking advantage.  
GG: and the imps are getting smarter about avoiding my room. :/  
GT: sooo. that sounds like a happy ‘heyyy’ moment then?  
GT: did you drop this? )  
GT: that is my suggestion for a mouth!  
GG: rose isn’t messaging me back, that’s all.  
GT: oh shit. did you try mentioning swords?  
GG: i tried EVERYTHING!!!  
GG: maybe something really is wrong over on her side of the screen... or else i guess i am just a little bit boring to her.  
GG: or maybe both!!! oh gosh if she is in some kind of jeopardy and i am just whining about how it takes like a whole day for a girl to get a message back sometimes...  
GG: that is the most boring way to be! aaagh! help me june i am so bad at this!  
GT: ok, slow down here!  
GT: this is just rose being rose! she is elusive and kind of weird and angry all the time, and also the best.  
GT: if she didn’t want to talk to you she just wouldn’t ever.  
GT: and seriously if you brought up swords and didn’t get a fucking essay about either how wrong, right, or misinformed you are, she just didn’t read it.  
GT: that is a june harley guarantee! take that promise right to the bank. a very weird bank.  
GT: what is the vibe now? can i get a vibe emoji?  
GG: :)  
GG: you’re the best.  
GG: i’m just so baaad at this oh my goddd. it seems like we should have so much in common!!! but it’s all just window dressing. i don’t really know anything about her!  
GG: by the way, have you heard anything from dave? he disappeared a while ago, but he’s been having blackouts so i don’t want to read into it.  
GT: all quiet over here!  
GG: ugggh. i guess i will go see if i can lure some more imps in here to kill without letting my dumb floaty orb out to cause whatever havoc i am supposed to be averting by keeping it in my room!  
GT: wait! before you go.  
GT: this weird ass troll has been bugging me all afternoon. i can’t lay down the ban hammer no matter how hard i press the button!  
GT: any tips and tricks from miss middle school computer science class?  
GT: all the notifications are really distracting. :/  
GG: oh are you doing more experiments???  
GT: you are going to LOVE tawny!  
GT: but yeah i’m trying to! except i’m this close to chucking every device with internet connectivity into the lagoon.  
GT: this ass hole thinks i am personally responsible for some kind of insane disaster! and seems to think they have been talking to you?  
GG: errr, well, then they are mistaken! i keep a tight circle. talking to strangers on the internet is how you get kidnapped you know!  
GG: sorry about the rando though. i can try to tinker a little with some stuff and send it your way?  
GT: thank fuck.  
GT: guh. i sure hope this trolling situation doesn’t become a Thing.

  
>Trolling Situation: Become a Thing.

Not quite yet, hold your horses! We still have to check in with...

  


>Rose: STRIFE!


	5. Rose: Ascend.

Hours in the past, but not many...

Rose: Be pestered by Dave.

\-- tycheanGuile  [TG]  began pestering thalesianTechnique [TT]  \--

TG: is it time  
TT: You would be as well-equipped to know as I would. But yes. It is.  
TT: My father has briefly returned with two copies of the beta. We have, at most, twenty-four hours to collectively enter SBURB and set the game in motion. If we fail, the apocalypse will take us with it. We must not fail.  
TG: wait  
TG: did he say that  
TT: It was implied.  
TG: jesus fuck rose ive got my own reasons here but are you seriously onboard just because your lunatic fuckup excuse for a dad told you it was how shits supposed to go  
TT: Yes.  
TT: He is aware of the consequences to overtly misleading me.  
TT: While he has not been especially forthcoming about his own motivations, that is also entirely in keeping with my expectations for his communication habits. He has never been especially forthcoming about anything without incentive.  
TT: Worry not. It is my intention to provide him with the necessary _douceur_ to elicit further elucidation. I have been honing my skills assiduously.  
TG: are you trying to freak me out  
TG: because its working fyi  
TT: I am prepared for this fight, Dave. I don’t have the option not to be. None of us do.  
TT: He knows far more than he has ever elected to disclose.  
TG: so do i  
TG: come on i know so much shit rose thats my whole deal  
TG: whatever youre planning on doing is completely fucking unnecessary just be ready with your copies of the beta and stay online so i can get in touch with you when i need to  
TG: its that easy  
TG: it is literally that easy  
TG: you dont have to do anything else to facilitate any of this its just a game  
TG: and like  
TG: a feeling ive got  
TG: neither of those things are worth getting your ass kicked over  
TT: My father will not be “kicking my ass”, a descriptive phrase which represents a gross mischaracterization of anything he has ever done.  
TT: That’s really all there is to say on the matter.  
TT: I have nothing more to discuss with you. I will consult you further once I have more concretely determined our path forward.  
TT: Do not presume to understand my circumstances, Dave.  
TT: Give my best to your terrifying eyeless mother.  
TG: lay off my moms eyes  
TG: shes sensitive about it  
TT: No.  
TT: Goodbye.  


\-- thalesianTechnique  [TT] ceased pestering tycheanGuile  [TG]  \--

Hours in the future...

Rose: Finish tactfully unlocking your father’s computer.

He must be aware by now that a password, at best, will only slow you down. You’re not about to enter a confrontation of any sort without a little engineered insight. He’s been out of the apartment more frequently than is typical for the last few weeks, likely with some paramour or another.

You know better than to ask. Information, especially when one insists on honesty as you do, is expensive. Easier to beg forgiveness than permission. Easier still to evade recognition of your transgressions altogether and circumvent the consequences of your curiosity.

Easier to do, if not necessarily to say aloud three times fast.

Rose: Inspect browser history.

Dave’s Instagram, your encyclopedic Letterboxd, an assortment of personally operated websites of varying levels of perversity and execration. Nothing unusual. Of course, no news is, itself, a sort of news. You are undeterred in your quest.

Rose: Consider credit card statements.

He’s still in Houston. You ought to wrap this up; he may return sooner rather than later, and you have no intention of initiating your confrontation prematurely.

Ah, and he’s purchased more leave-in conditioner. Good. His stocks, and therefore yours as well, were running low. As good a time as any to carefully erase all traces of your snoopery and return to an area in which you possess the home court advantage.

Rose: Effortlessly deflect mysterious internal monologue’s scrutiny of your identity, living arrangement, and interests.

Well played, once again. Having abandoned your father’s computer, innocuous and apparently untouched, you’ve also thrown that earlier intrusive train of thought quite thoroughly off its tracks. The querulously inquiring locomotive is aflame, and there is carnage in the depo. That’s one set of figurative passengers that won’t be making it to Dallas by the scheduled arrival time.

Where were you, again? Ah, right. Your ROOM.

Rose: Consider your interests, unprompted, because you feel like it.

An excellent idea. You are an ardent but omnivorous fan of VARIOUS BLADED WEAPONS. There are few works of media you enjoy more than DATED KUNG FU FILMS. If someone were to describe them as MOVIES, you would KILL THAT PERSON. Unless, of course, said interlocutor against decency was your FATHER, who regularly does exactly that. Implicitly. It is difficult to describe anything he does as SPEAKING, but he conveys his points effectively nonetheless. If you do manage to KILL HIM, it will be for an assortment of OTHER REASONS. As usual, you are wearing a LEATHER JACKET that is as much ‘too long’ as it is ‘your prized possession’. It was a gift from your friend DAVE, worn by CARRIE-ANN MOSS herself in THE MATRIX. You were consumed with anger directed at said friend upon receiving it, because it is the one gift you know with inveterate conviction that you will NEVER SURMOUNT. If called on to do so, you would GLADLY die for him, but he can never know that.

Rose: Examine closet.

There isn’t much to see in there, apart from an array of clothing identical to your current garb. You destroyed your TREASURED LEATHER JACKET COLLECTION upon receiving the one you are currently wearing on your thirteenth birthday.

No jacket can hope to defeat this one in any aspect of wearability, apart, perhaps, from fit. It is simply the best there is.

If your legs are not yet long enough, that is on you.

Rose: Check the green box.

Surprisingly enough, this was not, in fact, a birthday gift. Your friend Jade Egbert, on a semi-regular basis, mails you books clearly stolen from a small library in a suburb of Seattle that you have researched extensively to ascertain its potential retributive threat to her. It appears to be an innocuous local establishment, but you are ever-vigilant. The BOOK it once contained was recently THROWN OUT YOUR WINDOW before an especially sanguinary DISCUSSION ABOUT APPROPRIATE READING MATERIALS with your father, but the note enclosed in the package remains.

Rose: Read note in box.

rose!

i hope you are having a great day already, but what day isn’t improved by a BOX????? this one in particular contains a book that i am pretty sure you are going to love! i have not read it myself, but a reliable source has informed me that it is important for ‘causality, bluh’ that you read it. i bet you know just from that who i am talking about. ;)

anyway i don’t want to get off track! this one is not about kung fu stuff. sadly i have not found a lot of books about swords or kung fu, though i try to... hehe, _procure_ those whenever i see them. i guess it is just a sign of your discerning taste that they don’t have any more books directly pertaining to your interests in the vancouver public library. this one is about a wizard. i’ve never heard you say anything about wizards before, but i did google this one and it is supposed to be good. don’t worry, i don’t just take dave’s word for anything without double-checking on my own that i am not mailing you garbage!

let me know if you like it. there are others in ‘the earthsea cycle’ or whatever (ooh, mysterious phrasing! could ursula k le guin not just say ‘series’? i shouldn’t be so critical i don’t know anything about her...) and i could definitely find them. it is so stupid that the texas school system does not let you have books. books are great! before i met all of you, books were my best friends, apart from bec. :B but that’s probably a lame thing to admit! i bet your best friend is a sword or something insanely cool like that.

aaanyway. i know packages don’t always get to you but i really really really hope this one does! fingers crossed. and once you do read this letter, since i might as well just assume you are reading it... just remember that, haha, we are all looking out for you and think you are basically the best ever! literally all of us. and it is so exciting when you are online!

i really hope someday we can all get together in real life. some things are just too big to try to say over a computer screen or even in a letter, because like... what if someone else is reading and scrutinizing my every word? :o probably a dumb thing to be anxious about. but also, on the topic of all of us hanging out and chilling, i bet your sword stuff is really good practice for volleyball? And maybe we could play, on teams of two, like beach volleyball! we have the perfect number of people. it is basically fate! :D

this is getting kind of long. suffice to say... enjoy the book! and thank you for being my friend!!!

<3  
jade

>Rose: Access Pesterchum and have the conversation with Jade that we have already read.

\-- thalesianTechnique [TT]  began pestering gallantGaberlunzie  [GG]  at 18:13 --  


TT: It’s time.  
GG: hmmm. ok, you got me, time for what?  
GG: is it time for a super serious allegory-dense lecture that probably has the word ‘causality’ in it and also makes no sense? because that is my hypothesis. :D  
GG: oh wait! at the end of all the dire warnings you’ll say ‘but other than that, happy birthday, jade’!  
TT: ...  
GG: come on, was i close?  
TT: Time to check your mail. Your copy of the beta has almost certainly arrived, and I would be greatly indebted to you if you would get TG off my back about playing it with him.  
TT: I have a prior commitment this afternoon, and I truly can’t be expected to slake his voracious appetite for partnered electronic entertainment alone. I am only one woman. He is insatiable.  
TT: But other than that, happy birthday, Jade.  
GG: i’ll be honest, i was really hoping for more nonsense!  
TT: I’m afraid I can’t deliver much in that respect at this particular juncture. Though your gift ought to be arriving as well. Have you checked the mail yet today?  
TT: I await your feedback with bated breath.  
GG: awww!!! you didn’t have to do anything, my dad is going stupidly overboard with the festivities, presents included, like always. maybe this go-around i’ll even get some cake, before bec eats all of it! i swear he makes more every year.  
GG: it’s all at least kiiinda stuff that i’m interested in? like little monsters is a fine movie, i guess!  
GG: he tries his best, hahaha. it’s pretty cute. he can be sort of out of touch, but he’s trying! you know, in the dumb but well meaning dad way.  
GG: i’m super excited for your gift, though, obviously!!!  
TT: Perhaps you ought to retrieve it, and the rest, sooner rather than later. It would be a shame if your eldritch horror of a family dog messily devoured the beta along with your birthday confectionary.  
GG: oh shit you’re right! bec has been acting really weird lately, i would put nothing past him!  
TT: Do message TG once you’ve secured the beta.  
TT: He frets so, when left unattended.  
GG: got it! thanks again, good luck with whatever cryptic bullshit you’re doing! :B  
TT: Luck is unnecessary for the adequately prepared.  
TT: But thank you, Jade. Really, happy birthday.

==>

Rose: Go online and view sites indicative of your interests.

That will have to wait. Your father is home. By your estimation, he will be either turning off or destroying the router that furnishes the apartment’s wireless signal within the next hour.

If you were to open your browser, you would find several caches of surveillance on your surveillable friends. If your makeshift drone had successfully crossed the Pacific, that would include June. Tragically, it was not meant to be, and you are forced to rely on textual accounts of her activities. Mainly crimes against decency. She must be the luckiest girl in the world.

Apart from you, of course. You would not trade your lot for any of theirs. You are exactly where you need to be. That much is incontrovertible.

Rose: Choose your weapon.

Predictable as it is, you select your LEAST SHITTY KATANA from the PILE OF BOOKS you have been permitted to keep. Best to bring a KATANA to a KATANA FIGHT, unless you have a better weapon, which you do not.

Rose: Fantasize about your ideal sword.

You imagine a katana identical to your own, though slightly less likely to shatter when struck directly at the right angle.

No, wait.

_Two katanas_.

Rose: Warm up.

An excellent idea. You and your beloved training dummy, Jaspers Jr., named after the tragically deceased Jaspers, your first training dummy, have spent many long and fruitful hours in each others’ company. Limbering up before the most important bout of your life is as much a necessity as anything.

Sorry, Jaspers Jr., old friend. Love is pain.

==>

Rose: Be pestered by Dave.

\-- tycheanGuile  [TG]  began pestering thalesianTechnique [TT]  at 18:30--

TG: i just want you to know i love you ok  
TG: please stay alive rose  
TG: dont do anything stupid you dont have anything to prove ill say it a billion fucking times  
TG: please  
TG: i cant do any of this shit without you  
TT: I know.

\-- thalesianTechnique  [TT] ceased pestering tycheanGuile  [TG]  at 18:32 --

==>

Rose: Be proven correct, as usual.

After one more pesterlog, beseeching Jade to handle your dear, somewhat overbearing mutual friend, your wireless signal abruptly cuts out. Let it never be said that you or any member of your family lacks a sense of timing.

So long as you negotiate your return to a chat-enabled device within a few hours, no harm should be done. And you _need_ to know what he knows. As long as you’ve been alive, your father has been preparing you for a matter of vital importance. You have hated him for it, at times. Worse still, you have begun to sympathize with his perspective.

Your friends will die without you. Without _you_ , specifically, as you are, as he has made you. June’s lackadaisical approach to ethics and riflery will mean nothing in the face of the cosmic horror about to devour the lot of you. You can feel it, drawing nearer. Jade, naive as she is, will need protecting. Dave, doubly so. You are the woman for the job. Literally, causatively, the _only_ woman for the job.

But you need to know _why_. One can’t proceed, logically or rhetorically, on an incomplete premise. And you are well and truly done with lies of omission.

  


Rose: Consider your strategic approach.

Under the tutelage of Aristotle, Alexander the Great, each morning, as a boy, was awoken at daybreak and forced to leap into the river Axios to begin his day’s training. Resentful of this punishment, but acknowledging that he was unable to escape it, he took his destiny into his own hands, woke an hour before dawn, and jumped into the river himself, preempting any endeavor to force him into the unpleasant act.

What he despised was not the act itself, of course, but being compelled to do so on the terms of another. The river may be inevitable, but you choose your master, and you choose yourself.

Rose: Ascend.

You exit your room. Your father is lounging on the living room futon, examining a puppet, no doubt waiting for you. He holds a throwing star and a piece of paper in one hand. He will not have the chance to use it.

==>

ROSE: Roof. Now.

==>


End file.
